Good evening Minions. Today we begin what I hope will be an ongoing discussion on survival during the zombie apocalypse. You see, the apocalypse is coming and it is not going to be pleasant. How do I know that the dead are going to rise?
It’s because they always do.
Whether it’s an actual mob of plague-infected brain-eaters or just a mindless horde of disaffected rioters or looters, these things are always just on the verge of occurring anytime, anywhere. And they are not mutually exclusive either. When disaster strikes, panic, fear, anger, and unrest can cause a mob of the living to closely resemble a herd of the dead.
The good news is that a face full of buckshot or machete to the skull is effective at putting down the threat either way. Even better, you don’t have the same forced-head-shot constraints when your enemy is actually still living. This is fortunate because a mob of living is a far more likely occurrence than a horde of the dead. In fact, if the documentaries on zombie survival have taught us anything, it’s that the living are always more dangerous than the dead. You need to be ready at a moment’s notice to defend your compound, homestead, family, friends, what-have-you from both.
Now it’s time I let you in on a terrible secret. About two weeks ago I was working in the lab and I sort of accidentally made a batch of the pathogen that causes reanimation. It was an unrelated project so I put into a jar for safe keeping until I could get around to it.
Unfortunately, the jar has gone missing. I’m pretty sure it got thrown out with last week’s garbage. And this is a bad thing because if that jar is opened or breaks and that stuff touches anything organic, well, it’s been nice to know you.
So again I say, with all authority, that the apocalypse is coming. It’s best that you just accept it and prepare now. As I feel at least partially responsible for the eventual extinction of humanity, I’ll show you how.
Follow me over the next couple of weeks (if we have that long) and I’ll give you most all the tools you need to survive if something horrible happens or thrive if nothing happens at all.
What’ll it be?
