You ever been watching a movie and everything is running along just fine until suddenly one of the characters is faced with an earth-shattering revelation about life, the universe, and everything, and then their reaction is just… wrong?
Or, say your suspension of disbelief is firmly in place and your mind is happily wandering through a fantastical wonderland but then suddenly midi-chlorians?
There are limits to our ability to go along with a story. Strangely enough, those limits are pretty far out there when the writer properly sets up the rules for the universe he puts the characters into. I don’t need to believe in magic to enjoy the Harry Potter series. All I need to believe is that magic is legit in Harry’s world and everything’s fair game.
But when the writer screws up it really bugs me. Here are a few of the most common things they do in movies and TV shows that drive me nuts.
“The Untold Story” or “Forget Everything you Know About…”
I have read thousands of books in my life and so that means I’ve read lots of stories. And in my experience the ones advertised as “untold” should have stayed that way. Look, I get it. You want to work with a characterization and you feel the need to change the rules a bit to make your character compelling. I get it. Just do it. Tell your story and if the changes fit and your story is good, then everybody’s happy. Stop trying to qualify it by trying to get permission first. Because when you do that, my first instinct is to deny you the permission and start looking for reasons why your changes are stupid.
Forget everything you know about Count Dracula enough times and you end up with Edward Cullen. You know?
A “Retelling” that doesn’t retell anything at all
I’ve discussed in the past how much I love the Friday the 13th series despite the fact that it makes almost no sense. Our hero Jason supposedly drowned, sending his mother into a homicidal rage. But somehow he not only survived drowning, he also managed to survive to adulthood on the outskirts of a rural community before starting his own murder spree. Ok, it’s an early 80’s slasher series, so I don’t need it to make a whole lot of sense. But those are what we call plot holes. And those of us who like continuity find them annoying.
What better way to fix plot holes than with a reboot, right? One would think so, but apparently not. The 2009 version Friday the 13th left the same holes in the plot! They even had a really cool scene where a very much alive young Jason watches from the woods as his mother is being decapitated. Wait, what?
What I mean is, if the supposedly drowned Jason is alive enough to hide in the woods and watch his mother kill people, isn’t he alive enough to go give her a hug and let her know he’s not dead? Out of the whole series, the continuity issue that bugs everyone even more than that of his immortality and regenerative powers is, if Jason was alive this whole time, what was the point of Mrs. Voorhees rampage?
Gah!
Hey Hollywood- here’s your Friday reboot/retcon to fix the plot holes. You can do it in a 45-second montage:
Jason is a bright and loving child, the apple of Pamela’s eye. One day at camp, two lifeguards sneak off to make out in the woods and do not notice when Jason falls off the dock. Jason smashes his head on a rock and stays underwater for a long time. After their tryst, one of the lifeguards sees the blood in the water and dives in to save Jason but it’s too late. He cannot get a pulse. Pamela rides with the dead Jason in the ambulance. On the way, Jason wakes up. It’s a miracle! He’s alive!
Only he’s not the same. His skull was cracked and his head deformed. One eye is dead and he can no longer speak. He has severe brain damage. Doctors marvel at his miraculous resurrection but to Pamela, the Jason she knew is gone. The damaged creature she brings home from the hospital is sullen, shy, and extremely violent. One day after a particularly traumatizing episode, coincidentally on his birthday, Mrs. Voorhees grabs a knife and heads to camp to get revenge on those whose negligence killed her sweet Jason.
There. Was that so hard?
Retellings that tell way too much
I’m looking at you Rob Zombie’s Halloween.
What made Michael Myers scary the most was that there was no explanation for what he was doing. Everything was made worse by the not knowing.
We would ask, “What the hell, man? Why is he so damn mean?”
But down deep we knew that we did not want an answer to that question because an answer would make Michael human. An answer would give him motive. And horror with a motive is far less frightening than horror without one.
I remember when Halloween came out, a friend of mine saw it and said it was great. Said it explained a lot. I clenched my teeth and asked the question I knew I didn’t want answered.
“So, what’s his deal?”
“Child abuse.”
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
And I didn’t really care to see it after that.
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